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A Call For Humor!

Boris Badinov

Master Contributor
The Humorist
Joined
Dec 19, 2019
Messages
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Location
Georgia, USA
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Timcognito

Major Contributor
Forum Donor
Joined
Jun 28, 2021
Messages
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Location
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This reminds me of an old Ogden Nash poem, I'll Take the High Road Commission, reflecting on an old street sign motif for school crossings.
To cut to the chase*

Wisest of their proverbs,
Truest of their talk.
Have I found that dictum:

CROSS

CHILDREN

WALK


When Adam took the highway
He left his sons a guide:

CROSS

CHILDREN

WALK


CHEERFUL

CHILDREN


RIDE

I cannot find an example of these old signs. Here is a sign of somewhat similar motif (which may or may not be authentic, being from Etsy!), displaying the seemingly unusual grammatical construction of signs of 6 or 7 decades ago. :)

images

____________
* Here is the complete poem (FWIW) :)

I'LL TAKE THE HIGH ROAD COMMISSION

In between the route marks
And the shaving rhymes.
Black and yellow markers
Comment on the times.

All along the highway
Hear the signs discourse:

MEN

SLOW

WORKING



SADDLE

CROSSING

HORSE


Cryptic crossroad preachers
Proffer good advice,
Helping wary drivers
Keep out of Paradise.

Transcontinental sermons.
Transcendental talk:

SOFT

CAUTION

SHOULDERS



CROSS

CHILDREN

WALK


Wisest of their proverbs,
Truest of their talk.

Have I found that dictum:

CROSS

CHILDREN

WALK


When Adam took the highway
He left his sons a guide:

CROSS

CHILDREN

WALK


CHEERFUL

CHILDREN

RIDE
Love Ogden Nash
 

BolusOfDoom

Member
Joined
Jan 19, 2020
Messages
50
Likes
122

What about this car? Here is the most hilarious and mysterious 1/64 replica I've ever seen. I found this in the Target toy department hanging next to the Hot Wheels:

IMG_6291-1.JPG

This is a plain brown family or fleet sedan. This was perfect as a company car for say, a nursing home inspector, and the real McCoy probably smelled like Virginia Slims and McDonalds fries cooked the Old Way. This is not a sports car, not the 'Gran' Torino of Starsky and Hutch with beefy haunches and 5-slot aluminum rims. Why resurrect it now? Let's check the back blurb.

"A Graduate of the Los Angeles Police Academy, Foxy Jill is a carefree and fun-loving California girl with a great flair for beguiling any male she encounters. She's sporty and athletic, and even goes on to become a champion race car driver."

It’s for Foxy Jill played by Farrah Fawcett. I don't think she's beguiling any males with this sedan, but let's look up all the cars appearing in Charlie's Angels in the Internet Movie Cars Database. Oh. It's not there? Let's look it up by car. There it is, in season 1 episode 22. But watching the episode, none of the Angels ever drives it???

It turns out this is NOT a car driven by any significant or recurring character. It appears in exactly ONE episode and was a generic police detective's sedan for a dirty lieutenant on the vice squad played by Ed Lauter, who got gut shot at the climax and never seen again. The car is shown for about a minute of the episode over a few scenes, does not get in any car chase, and does not figure into the plot in any way. The car's only importance is cradling Kate Jackson's (not Farrah's) behind in the passenger seat for most of its single minute. But who decided to commission a 1/64 scale replica of this homely, unsignificant car for distribution in the Target toy department next to the Hot Wheels loop-de-loops?

I mean... imagine if a company that makes 1/64 replica cars decided to license Batman from DC, and instead of the Batmobile, commissioned a replica of Bruce Wayne's country club golf cart. That's what this is. The whole story in the back blurb for this product is a complete invention, and therefore the company could pick any one of the myriad of sport cars featured in the show. But no, we must decorate our shelves with a poop-brown 1974 Ford Torino Brougham driven at legal speeds by a one-episode bad guy of the week who was never seen again. They could at least put Ed Lauter's face on the box. After watching the episode, here's a corrected back blurb:

“Lieutenant Howard Fine is a cop on the take, a veteran of extorting LA’s seediest massage parlors. Dirty Howard is fond of taking brown paper sacks of cash through the open window of his base trim level Ford from the motor pool, in exchange for turning a blind eye to massages that are a bit too ‘hands-on’.”

I guess that blurb won't work in the Target toy department. I’m still trying to figure this thing out. Was there somehow an existing stock of 1/64 brown 1974 Ford Torino Broughams and some poor employee had to come up with the most tenuous thread of connection to Hollywood to move the inventory? Whose business acumen approved a product with a niche thinner than the paper in a pocket New Testament? I still can't figure it out.

FYI, I e-mailed the company and got no reply, which is too bad because a coherent answer would have to be weirder than the product itself.
 
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