Pablolie,
I really appreciate you sharing your journey with us here. I'm 46, recent divorce/situation- Let her have our house- she now have a lovely little brood and has fulfilled that biological imperative (which, I never felt, but I digress). late summer, I bit the bullet, and moved into a 300 sq ft studio as my Octogenarian dads health reached a point where he needed me there 24/7 to assist with our childhood home's maintenance, chores, etc. It's touch watching your childhood hero deteriorate so rapidly.
Then, at 0247, two days prior to thanksgiving , I heard step mum freaking out upstairs. I've never moved to quickly i my life. Long story short, dad had (probably serveral) a major stroke, and I found him on the bathroom floor i a pool of urine. But far more concerning was sudden, and rapid change in his cognitive abilities (not to mention partial paralysis). I'm the eldest son, but he had no idea who I was. He thought I was there to harm him. That heartbreak trumped the divorce by orders of magnitude. It was touch and go, and we thought he may not make it through the night.
So I made him a bed/nest on the floor and tried to make him as comfortable emotionally and physically as I knew how. I lay on the ground next to him because I didn't want him to feel alone. Just in case, you know?
Thankfully he made it that night, and is now on a slow, painful road to whatever semblance of recovery is possible. I was a Coast Guard Aviator in my professional career, so medical care for me (prior VA that is) was pretty painless. Not so Medicare/Medicaid, not to mention these fucking HMO's as I've rapidly learned. I had no idea our medical system was this broken, but I digress...
For anyone who made it this far, I apologize. This was meant to be a really short post, but the words kept coming. Haven't had time to process this type of loss I think. My career as a first responder (and personality) find me operating at my finest the more chaotic/emergent the situation is. But I'm finding the price for my calm, collected, pragmatic demeanor in times of crisis is that I remain emotionless, feel no grief, sadness, joy, anger, my reptilian mind takes over, and the color kind of drains from life.
Until, all the emotions hit unexpectedly, out of the blue and can be crippling. I dealt with it mostly buy drinking, in an effort to not feel again. I didn't want to be conscious. Been alcohol-free almost 4 years now. Turns out the booze was never really the problem. I had to find other ways to occupy my over-active mind.
I've been a Life-long lover of not just music, but just sound in general. I used to ply LP's on my dad's Poor Sansui system in the early mid 80's, and just loved everything about it. Everything. this true love has been steadfast, and gotten me through some really dark moments (aforementioned Thanksgiving stroke notwithstanding
At the risk of sounding a bit dramatic, ASR has had such an effect. Amir, and all of you on here who so generously share your time, knowledge, experience and wisdom have taught me so much about the science behind my one true love-- Sound/Music/and more appreciation for engineering excellence. As importantly, ASR has, in a way chipped away at what was becoming an increasingly jaded facade. Everyone (sans trollls, SBAF types
here values truth, honesty, integrity ,science, and by way providing service/kindness to those who perhaps not capable, or maybe a bit too lazy to do the work it takes to read between the lines.
TLDR;
Went through/going through tribulations as per the OP, and felt the need to share the value, knowledge and bridge over troubled waters that through Amir and "The Regulars" here have made possible for me. Thank you everyone on here for providing something that feels Real in this increasingly disingenuous agenda-driven, money-driven society (esp online) that we find ourselves inhabiting. ASR brought my lifelong passion back to life after a long, dormant slumber.
Thank you everyone on here, I've learned more than I could have imagined, and I'm just getting started
In fact, I need to go finish the last of the soldering on my soon to be "upgraded" DEQ2496. Better than expected results on the unmodified XLR outs when I was doing a few imprompteau "before" measurements.
And one last thank you to the OP for sharing what he did-- inspired the above word salad. Is this what therapy feels like? I feel a bit lighter