Most idiotic subjective review comments

[CapMan]

Hi - a thread so we can all have a good chuckle about the most ridiculous comments made by reviewers. Please don't name the product, reviewer or publication - this is just about the prose

I will start the ball rolling with this

"I’m not one profoundly driven by rhythm; the music I enjoy rarely places great accent on the tempo. However, I was impressed by the way the XXX cables seemed to approach transients (both leading and trailing edge) and cohere the sound of the music temporally. Although I am not sure how a digital cable can influence the timing of a musical signal, it’s clear through audition that the XXX cables do just that."

This was from a mainstream printed HiFi publication

 

[fpitas]

Looking forward to prat reviewers with their pace, rhythm and timing

 

[Astoneroad]

Pace Cables... a little spice for your ears....

 

[JSmith]

JSmith

 

[sq225917]

Every subjective comment about accessories is total bullshit, this will become a long thread

 

[CapMan]

Every subjective comment about accessories is total bullshit, this will become a long thread

Good point - but there are some choice examples of ludicrous prose that I thought it might be fun to call out.

 

[LuvTheMusic]

Hey Capman -- thanks for an imaginative post. I'm watching this thread because we all need a daily dash of humor -- and in this case, mixed with a certain grudging admiration for creativity.

 

[maverickronin]

Just learned about @crinacle and his work. Found the below "review review" which I think many here will find enjoyable!

"I've always admired ninjas"

3 of the top 4 results are headphone reviews.

wut...

Still my favorite.

 

[Vacceo]

Pace Cables... a little spice for your ears....
View attachment 223035

Does habanero-coating the terminals burn veils instead?

 

[MaxBuck]

Didn't take long to come across this one:

Different construction is essential for different uses. For audiophiles, for example, ESP features solid conductors. But solid conductors are not the best for professional musicians who constantly plug and unplug cables as they haul them from place to place.

So, if solid conductors aren't good, what are they using? Mercury? Supercritical carbon dioxide?

 

[DVDdoug]

this will become a long thread

That's what I was thinking... There's an "infinite" amount of nonsense out there...

So, if solid conductors aren't good, what are they using? Mercury? Supercritical carbon dioxide?

Actually, they are probably talking about stranded vs solid wire.

And what they say is true... A guitar cable is stranded as are almost all audio interconnect cables. House wiring is solid and phone and ethernet cables are usually solid.

 

[syn08]

Didn't take long to come across this one:

So, if solid conductors aren't good, what are they using? Mercury? Supercritical carbon dioxide?

You may be surprised, but I've met (virtually, thanks God) an individual, physicist by trade, who was selling cables with a mercury conductive core. Of course, the sound of these cables was nothing but fluid. And they kick ass in particular for heavy metal music! He also experimented with other conductive liquid materials for cables.

John Curl's Blowtorch preamplifier part II

John, Thorsten, first I am a little confused. Was it the 'Old Holco' your favorite resistor, until they changed the process? I will comment further, once I get that understood. No. I have no single "favourite" resistor. However, say, in a volume control (or feedback loop) they offered a good...

www.diyaudio.com

The guy was dead serious in his sales pitch! Here's another sample:

Cal's Bybee experience

Ah, of course! Quantum foams - I should have realised that they would have an effect. Confinement is part of the Standard Model which as a Theory of Everything will necessarily have a bearing on the finer points of audio.

www.diyaudio.com

 

[Dunring]

My favorite was the sales copy for a place you send your super expensive cables in so their machine can burn them in to be programmed to be directional. Also if you don't use them for weeks they lose those properties and have to be sent in for recalibration over again.

 

[odarg64]

My favorite part of a recent cable 'review' from a forum that shall not be named:

What immediately strikes about the xxxxxx is its liquid note presentation and smooth yet highly articulate nature. It has an L-shaped signature with a rich yet meticulously controlled bass presentation, large, highly resolved vocals and a smooth, refined top-end. The cable strikes me as being impressively spacious and it has a good if not market-leading technical foundation despite its darker character in the treble. To me, vocals are a highlight, presented with enhanced size, great definition and slightly higher contrast with counterbalancing warmth and top-end articulation. Rather than being dense, the midrange is well-extended but emboldened by the more robust low-end. Lows similarly inspire, and the densely packed conductors provide a sense of power similar to that observed on the xxxxxx. The xxxxxx provides an immediate boost to extension but does so in the cleanest manner I’ve yet seen with minimal introduction of muddiness or loss to separation. Bass upholds exemplary definition in the mid-bass and overall timbre showcases great authenticity.

 

[mhardy6647]

My favorite part of a recent cable 'review' from a forum that shall not be named:

Google search took care of that PDQ.

 

[DonR]

The Positive Feedback (always good for a laugh) "review" of an $18,000 power strip called the PowerSlave Marble Statement: https://positive-feedback.com/Issue72/powerslave.htm

On a side note, for the longest time I've had a problem with image drift. Violin or woodwind soloists refused to stay put. (The rest of the stage was rock steady.) It didn't matter what gear I was using: when the soloist played in the midrange, he was dead center. As he moved up the scale, the image would start to veer left. The higher up he played, the further left he imaged. He would not stay put, regardless of what I tried. Eventually I stopped fussing and just accepted that was the way it was.

Case in point, the Prokofieff Violin Concerto, with Heifetz and Munch conducting the Boston Symphony Orchestra (RCA shaded dog, LSC-2314).

Finally, the Marble locked Heifetz in place. The violinist was close-up, obviously spot-miked, front and center, quite distinct from the orchestra. The orchestra was behind and on either side and encircled him in a hemisphere, and probably had one mike on each side, placed at a distance.

 

[Chrispy]

There have been a few audio review prose generators, I remember Scott Moodie's particularly, but don't think he's got it posted up for a while....have to go look. Just as good as the creative writing of most of that bunch....

 

[JeffS7444]

Hi - a thread so we can all have a good chuckle about the most ridiculous comments made by reviewers. Please don't name the product, reviewer or publication - this is just about the prose

Thanks but I don't want to go out of my way to find idiots.

 

[CapMan]

Thanks but I don't want to go out of my way to find idiots.

Fair enough

 

[Punter]

The Bakoon on top of three titanium supports projected all virtual shapes internally more moist and darker, which was the well-known highly appreciated effect of their foundational silencing action. Here the guideline is simple; the more efficaciously a component trims noise, the fuller and more pronounced each instrumental and vocal line becomes, while the backdrop behind them gets sensibly blacker and blacker in the process. That said, Bakoon’s integrated amp with XXXXX legs underneath did brilliantly on on-stage presence of voices. Their explicit internally meaty frames were as admirably distinct as all subtle whispers and body fluids registered by microphones. Such delicate content extracted this noticeably upped the ante on articulation and resolution, but to my ears the key focal point was elsewhere. XXXXXXX added extra gravity, organic vibe, vividness and speed, while upon disengaging them the entire landscape felt more flat, texturally simpler, less clear on vocal intricacies, slower and less majestic all in all. This audible change was nothing new per se. I’ve had my fair share of potent USB sorters, power bars and cords designed to reduce incoming noise and act accordingly. Still, tiny passive decoupler discs capable of pulling alike stunts as effectively was the surprise that caught me off guard.