A new low in audio snake oil

[egellings]

Check this out:
Nirvana Audio Chronos… it’s an “Optimizer for Audio Equipment”.

Chronos Optimizer for Audio Equipment | Nirvana Audio

Chronos Optimizer has the remarkable ability to fully unleash the inherent potential and performance of all audio equipment.

www.nirvana-audio.com

You plug it in… or don’t plug it in. It doesn’t matter. Just having it in the room near your audio equipment, improves the sound. Seriously.

“…once Chronos is positioned in the same area as the audio equipment is positioned, Chronos exerts its influence on that audio equipment.”

And, even better…

“Chronos primarily has impact on electronic signals and acoustic wave vibrations, so it is not restricted by equipment, music type, etc. It actually integrates with audio systems in an extremely fast and direct way, collaborating and operating alongside each other.”

That last paragraph is as specific as it gets about what it actually does. Just take their word for it and you will love whatever it does as much as the knot heads who give them video testimonials.

Hey, if the fact that the Chinese are kicking the USA’s ass in fusion research, renewable energy, battery manufacturing, space exploration and just about every field of scientific endeavor is bringing you down, rest easy in the knowledge that they’re decades behind when it comes to marketing thoroughly useless, unnecessary, nonfunctional audio snake oil.

USA! USA! USA!

Does that work better than my Tice Clock?

 

[Punter]

"I later learned that plugging it into a computer, NAS, car audio system, or putting it close to a strong magnet risks losing the magical properties of the Chronos"
Scene: high end HiFi shop interior, day.
Action: A customer enters the shop and walks up to the sales counter.

Customer: Good morning, I'd like a refund on this Chronos Optimizer

Salesman: Why is that?

Customer: Primarily because its just a simple USB storage device.

Salesman: How did you arrive at that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I plugged it into a USB port on my PC and it opened up an explorer window with a drive letter and a bunch of factory files in it.

Salesman: I'm sorry I can't refund your purchase.

Customer: Why not, this thing is not an audio optimizing device.

Salesman: Well it was.... didn't you read the instructions?

Customer: What part of the instructions?

Salesman: The part where it explicitly said "do not plug it into a computer, NAS, car audio system"

Customer: I don't recall that warning

Salesman: Well that's too bad because by doing so, you've lost the magical properties of the device!

Customer: Oh I see, if I plug it into a computer, I'll discover it's just a USB drive but the mere act of doing so erases the "magic". How convenient.

 

[AdrianusG]

And this

“The problem is that while it’s easy to be sarcastic about what it does and why"

the answer is YES

 

[Truth Ness]

I wonder how they even get "the magic" onto that device if plugging it into a computer etc. will result in losing it.
Seems logic isn't their strength.
Dumb AF.

 

[kemmler3D]

I wonder how they even get "the magic" onto that device if plugging it into a computer etc. will result in losing it.
Seems logic isn't their strength.
Dumb AF.

You have to use a special magic computer that has been enchanted by an audio wizard, duh.

 

[Truth Ness]

You have to use a special magic computer that has been enchanted by an audio wizard, duh.

Yeah some kind of super duper quantum computer thing, cryogenically cooled of course.

 

[keith_h]

Wish granted.

Through years of refinement in manufacturing precision and process control, Chronos Optimizer has evolved far beyond its previous exterior form. No longer requiring a USB flash drive as its medium or any external power supply, the latest generation of Chronos Optimizer debuts in HIGH END Vienna 2026 achieves a remarkable and fundamental advancement in its influence on audio system performance and the acoustic character of the listening environment itself. While this latest generation of Chronos is not yet commercially available in all markets, the results we are now able to achieve represent an important milestone in the ongoing evolution of our technology — one we look forward to sharing more widely in the near future.

NIRVANA AUDIO — NEXT CHRONOS OPTIMIZER – Ultimate High-Fidelity

www.monoandstereo.com

 

[Sokel]

First instruction at the manual for all these thingies is to make sure you KNOW they are there.
Better yet, put it in the middle of the room and light it with an industrial, super spotlight.

(and with that, I think they got all the advertisement they ever wanted by this thread)

 

[Kremmen]

From their website:

"Nirvana Audio Co., Ltd. is a wholly-owned subsidiary of SNOW FACTORY Co., Ltd., one of the market leaders in branded yogurt products with annual revenues of over USD$30 million and has 66 physical stores in Taiwan. The owner of Nirvana Audio Co., Ltd., Mr. William Su, is the co-founder of SNOW FACTORY Co., Ltd.. He is audiophile, earned Bachelor of Law from National Chengchi University, and earned Master of Business Administration from National Taiwan University. He co-founded SNOW FACTORY in 2007, and became the owner of Nirvana Audio in 2020."

I believe the addition of the following word would be a suitably fitting edit:

"The owner of Nirvana Audio Co., Ltd., Mr. William Su, is the co-founder of SNOW FACTORY Co., Ltd.. He is a conman..."

Perhaps the justification for this device's obscene price is revealed when one opens it, for I strongly suspect that inside is a pendant made from yogurt powder and fool's gold featuring the word 'Sucker!' This can then be worn by the freshly excited owner of this crock of shit as he dances gleefully around his Chronos Optimizer in his straightjacket and Y-fronts as he stares at his empty wallet.

 

[AdrianusG]

From their website:

"Nirvana Audio Co., Ltd. is a wholly-owned subsidiary of SNOW FACTORY Co., Ltd., one of the market leaders in branded yogurt products with annual revenues of over USD$30 million and has 66 physical stores in Taiwan. The owner of Nirvana Audio Co., Ltd., Mr. William Su, is the co-founder of SNOW FACTORY Co., Ltd.. He is audiophile, earned Bachelor of Law from National Chengchi University, and earned Master of Business Administration from National Taiwan University. He co-founded SNOW FACTORY in 2007, and became the owner of Nirvana Audio in 2020."

I believe the addition of the following word would be a suitably fitting edit:

"The owner of Nirvana Audio Co., Ltd., Mr. William Su, is the co-founder of SNOW FACTORY Co., Ltd.. He is a conman..."

Perhaps the justification for this device's obscene price is revealed when one opens it, for I strongly suspect that inside is a pendant made from yogurt powder and fool's gold featuring the word 'Sucker!' This can then be worn by the freshly excited owner of this crock of shit as he dances gleefully around his Chronos Optimizer in his straightjacket and Y-fronts as he stares at his empty wallet.

Oh cool,

I have to check this out, i'll be visiting Taiwan from end of October till 17th of November,
wondering how expensive his yogurt products will be hahaha