A new low in audio snake oil

[egellings]

Check this out:
Nirvana Audio Chronos… it’s an “Optimizer for Audio Equipment”.

Chronos Optimizer for Audio Equipment | Nirvana Audio

Chronos Optimizer has the remarkable ability to fully unleash the inherent potential and performance of all audio equipment.

www.nirvana-audio.com

You plug it in… or don’t plug it in. It doesn’t matter. Just having it in the room near your audio equipment, improves the sound. Seriously.

“…once Chronos is positioned in the same area as the audio equipment is positioned, Chronos exerts its influence on that audio equipment.”

And, even better…

“Chronos primarily has impact on electronic signals and acoustic wave vibrations, so it is not restricted by equipment, music type, etc. It actually integrates with audio systems in an extremely fast and direct way, collaborating and operating alongside each other.”

That last paragraph is as specific as it gets about what it actually does. Just take their word for it and you will love whatever it does as much as the knot heads who give them video testimonials.

Hey, if the fact that the Chinese are kicking the USA’s ass in fusion research, renewable energy, battery manufacturing, space exploration and just about every field of scientific endeavor is bringing you down, rest easy in the knowledge that they’re decades behind when it comes to marketing thoroughly useless, unnecessary, nonfunctional audio snake oil.

USA! USA! USA!

Does that work better than my Tice Clock?

 

[Punter]

"I later learned that plugging it into a computer, NAS, car audio system, or putting it close to a strong magnet risks losing the magical properties of the Chronos"
Scene: high end HiFi shop interior, day.
Action: A customer enters the shop and walks up to the sales counter.

Customer: Good morning, I'd like a refund on this Chronos Optimizer

Salesman: Why is that?

Customer: Primarily because its just a simple USB storage device.

Salesman: How did you arrive at that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I plugged it into a USB port on my PC and it opened up an explorer window with a drive letter and a bunch of factory files in it.

Salesman: I'm sorry I can't refund your purchase.

Customer: Why not, this thing is not an audio optimizing device.

Salesman: Well it was.... didn't you read the instructions?

Customer: What part of the instructions?

Salesman: The part where it explicitly said "do not plug it into a computer, NAS, car audio system"

Customer: I don't recall that warning

Salesman: Well that's too bad because by doing so, you've lost the magical properties of the device!

Customer: Oh I see, if I plug it into a computer, I'll discover it's just a USB drive but the mere act of doing so erases the "magic". How convenient.

 

[AdrianusG]

And this

“The problem is that while it’s easy to be sarcastic about what it does and why"

the answer is YES

 

[Truth Ness]

I wonder how they even get "the magic" onto that device if plugging it into a computer etc. will result in losing it.
Seems logic isn't their strength.
Dumb AF.

 

[kemmler3D]

I wonder how they even get "the magic" onto that device if plugging it into a computer etc. will result in losing it.
Seems logic isn't their strength.
Dumb AF.

You have to use a special magic computer that has been enchanted by an audio wizard, duh.

 

[Truth Ness]

You have to use a special magic computer that has been enchanted by an audio wizard, duh.

Yeah some kind of super duper quantum computer thing, cryogenically cooled of course.