A Call For Humor!

[rationaltime]

 

[Audionaut]

 

[Audionaut]

 

[001]

Ok, enough of me pickin' on the Irish, here's a Russian joke...

Four Russians go to a hotel.
When they get to the hotel, one of the comrades gets very tired and tries to get some sleep. The other three annoy him all night and keep him from sleeping. The other three began telling jokes about Putin, so he creates a plan.
The fourth communist goes to the kitchen and asks for a cup of coffee. “But deliver it exactly ten minutes from now.” The fourth communist goes to his room and waits. Right before the coffee arrived, the three are making jokes about Putin. The fourth communist turns to his comrades and says “You know they can hear us, right?”
“That’s not true!” cried one of the communists. “Prove it!” The fourth communist goes over to a lamp and says “Could I have a cup of coffee?” At that moment, the waitress comes in with his coffee. The fourth commie enjoys his coffee, and all four go straight to sleep.
The next morning, the fourth communist goes down and has breakfast. When he comes back he finds the room ransacked and his comrades missing. He goes to the front desk and asks the receptionist what happened. “The KGB took them,” she said. “Why didn’t they take me?” asked the fourth communist. “President Putin liked your joke.”

 

[001]

Time to pick on the lawyers...

There was this truck driver would often amuse himself by running over lawyers (I know, I know, but it's just a joke ok) . Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP" as he did so, and then swerve back onto the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he'd do a good turn so he pulled the truck over and said to the priest, "Where're you going, Father?"
The priest answered, "I'm going to the church 3 miles down the road."
"No problem, Father!" said the trucker, "I'll give you a lift. Climb in."
So the priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But as he did so he suddenly remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved away, just missing the lawyer.
Even though he was sure he'd missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not knowing where the noise had come from, he looked in his mirrors but when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"I know", said the priest. "Lucky I got him with the door!"

 

[Buckaroo Shanzai]

A guy finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.​

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

- "I'm in the middle of a divorce and my ex's lawyer is making it ugly. I wish that there shall be no more lawyers."

- "Granted. You have no wishes left."

- "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

- "Sue me."

 

[Buckaroo Shanzai]

A woman walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman soon came back to her senses and asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, fierce global competition, and low wages in third-world countries, I can only grant you one wish. So, . . . what shall it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Good Lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a few minutes and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for — a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that map again!"

 

[respice finem]

A woman walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman soon came back to her senses and asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, fierce global competition, and low wages in third-world countries, I can only grant you one wish. So, . . . what shall it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Good Lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a few minutes and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for — a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that map again!"

In a similar "climate": A wealthy manager went fishing to forget daily stress, and got a gold fish, so he got three wishes.
M: Well, fish, he said, I can't think of any TBH... So I think I go home and eat some fish...
F: Wait wait... If you have no wish, you probably need no fish either?
M: Fair enough (releases the fish)
F: But it's kind of odd without a wish...
M: OK, fish, you have 3 wishes, I'll see what I can do.

 

[Robin L]

 

[Audionaut]

 

[JohnnyNG]

And now, as they say in the Monty Python classics, for something completely different. You like the game 'scrabble'..?
(from the site existentialcomics.com, it's comic 279)
View attachment 473675

One of my favorite Woody Allen bits:

The GossageVardebedian Papers

 

[Buckaroo Shanzai]

 

[Buckaroo Shanzai]

 

[diablo]

 

[Member 90125]

This one is an homage to my Dad- 83 years old and still telling corny jokes...from the archives

A man is driving down he highway at 70 mph when a three legged chicken passes him and shoots past him like he's standing still.​

In shock, he decides to follow the chicken down this dirt road. He sees the chicken run onto this farm and into barn. The man gets out of his car and goes to the front door to speak with the farmer.

“Sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but I was driving down the highway doing at least 70 mph when I was passed by a three legged chicken. I followed him here and saw run into your barn back there. Do you know anything about this?”

The farmer says “Yes I do. You see, I love chicken legs, my wife loves chicken legs, and my son loves chicken legs. So I came up with this idea to breed a three legged chicken in order to feed my family with just one chicken.”

“Wow. That’s incredible. I’ve never seen that before. How is it? Does it taste like a normal chicken?” Asks the man.

“I don’t know. We've never caught one"

 

[respice finem]

With AI entering genetics, this might be prophetic

 

[Robin L]

 

[respice finem]

But then, their businesses were empty

 

[Bleib]

View attachment 474107

Amazing timing, I just saw this on FB and was about to post it here

 

[mhardy6647]

in case "we" haven't done this one before.