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A Call For Humor!

JSmith

Master Contributor
Joined
Feb 8, 2021
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Algol Perseus
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JSmith
 

mononoaware

Addicted to Fun and Learning
Joined
Apr 6, 2021
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How come the winner of the Mr Universe contest always comes from Earth?

Because the other planet’s contestants were all banned for being too superior.

Think of it as a “participation award” if you will.
 

BinkieHuckerback

Addicted to Fun and Learning
Joined
Feb 16, 2021
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I turned to the passenger sitting next to me on my flight - 'look at all those people down there, they look just like ants'....he said 'they ARE ants, we haven't taken off yet'
 

Pegwill

Addicted to Fun and Learning
Joined
Feb 16, 2021
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Sunday Morning Se*x
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having se*x would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed, make a doctor's appointment. I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. ---- hahahahhaaha
 

Pegwill

Addicted to Fun and Learning
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Feb 16, 2021
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She was standing in the kitchen, preparing
our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for
breakfast, wearing only the 'T'shirt that she
normally slept in. As I walked in, almost
awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"you've got to make love to me this very
moment"
My eyes lit up as I thought, "I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
her and then gave it my all; right there on the
kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned
to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "what
was that about" She explained,
"The EGG TIMER'S broken"KEEP ☺ ☺ smiling ☺
 

Pegwill

Addicted to Fun and Learning
Joined
Feb 16, 2021
Messages
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A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,

"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,

" Have a good day, Sir "...
 

Boris Badinov

Master Contributor
The Humorist
Joined
Dec 19, 2019
Messages
7,298
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51,345
Location
Georgia, USA
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's Cemetery out near Lindale. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. Everyone that knows me knows I can be directionally challenged AND my navigation lost its signal.
I hate Sprint!!
Anyway, I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the guys for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunch and began to gather around. I sang my heart and soul out for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the spirit began to move and the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I prayed a benediction and started for my car, my head hung low but my heart so FULL.
As I opened the door to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I was still lost......
 
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